Gr8teful’s Weblog

Mercy Hospital, Saturday Morning

“You walk awfully fast for a short girl,” Alex whispered, puffing along beside Tina, “and what would a nice Christian girl call that trick you just pulled at the nurse’s station. I thought you weren’t supposed to lie.”

“I didn’t lie.” She felt winded, too, after a nine-hour drive on zero sleep, so she kept her comments brief.

“He’s our brother? Jake’s our brother?” Alex kept after her. “Somehow I would have thought Mom might have mentioned that little piece of information.”

Tina wasn’t in the mood for debate. Not about lying and certainly not about being a sister to the Garret men. She intended to use every iota of focus to remember Alex’s encouragement and Gloria’s pointed, prayerful admonition, and with every breath, she implored her Heavenly Father to forgive her for outrageously, selfishly impugning His grace and mercy.

Mercy Hospital’s well-equipped Intensive Care Unit consisted of about six rooms, as far as Tina could see, splayed in a semi-circle around the ICU nursing station, each room within easy eye contact of the nurses when the curtains were open. The privacy curtains, beige canvas on the bottom, open mesh on top, attached to a ceiling track by sliding hooks. Tina noticed most of them were closed today.

They had been told they would find Jake in 4-A. As they approached, Denny stood up from where he had been seated beside Jake and rushed out to greet them.

“You’re hurt, too!” Tina said, “You should have said something. Oh, look at your poor hands!”

Desperate to see Jake, since the radio announcement indicated he was the more severely hurt of the two men, she felt dismayed watching Denny who looked like a giant ad for a bandage manufacturer. He walked toward them with obvious difficulty, a pronounced limp in both legs generating an uncoordinated movement she wouldn’t have supposed possible. Only two fingers of one hand were visible, the rest of them presumably under the mounds of white gauze at the ends of both arms. He wore a hospital gown and scrub pants, both marginally adequate.

“Awww, don’t worry about me,” he said in the same hoarse, whispery voice she had heard on the phone. “Jake took the worst of it but I believe he’s gonna be okay, too, now that he’s awake. We didn’t know for a while there if he’d ever wake up.”

He shook his big head sorrowfully and Tina could see how worried he’d been.

“Here’s something else you oughta know,” Denny went on. “He can’t hardly hear, and can’t talk much better. Doc said that because he can hear some, he figures it’ll probably all come back. And the not talking is on account of smoke. Chemical smoke scrapes up a guy’s lungs to where he can’t hardly talk. I breathed in some of it, myself.”

“On the way up we heard a news report on the radio. Jake saved the lives of two children?” Tina whispered too; it seemed appropriate.

“He sure did. Your fella is a real hero, Christina, a real man. Go on in. I know he’ll feel better when he knows you’re here.”

“Alex,” Tina hesitated, her eyes pleading. She knew how worried he’d been—they had spoken of little else for hours.

“You go in first, without me. Remember everything we talked about,” Alex commanded. “My brother is a great guy, and he’ll understand. He and I can work out the details later. Now go on, sis.”

She started toward Jake’s room but turned back and threw her arms around Alex. “I love you, big brother.”

She stepped close to Denny, stood on her tiptoes, and careful not to bump anything bandaged, kissed him soundly. “You are my first and biggest big brother and I’ll love you forever.”

~~~~~~~

Denny and Alex looked at each other and shrugged.

“My room is 203, upstairs,” Denny said. “I’m not really s’posed to be down here anyhow. Why don’t you come up with me and give the young people a little time together.” He poked Alex with his elbow. “We old guys gotta stick together, right? C’mon. I’ll tell you all about the whole sorry mess I got us into.”

~~~~~~~

He lay on his side with his back to the door. A sheet, held up by a frame, concealed his body from the waist down. His bare shoulder, obviously seriously burned, shone with ointment. Another frame, attached to the side rail, elevated his bandaged hands.

She fought the urge to turn and flee from the suffering hanging in the air like the smell of antiseptic.

Her knees felt weak as she stood in the doorway. A deluge of intense emotion threatened to swamp her. Horror about the explosion, rage at bottom-feeders who would build a misery factory and then abandon it at its most dangerous, and grief for children so neglected they wandered into a death trap.

Far overshadowing that anger though, remorse for her own mean little heart rose up from the depths of her being and washed over her. It occurred to her that crawling to Jake’s bedside might be the appropriate way for her to approach him.

“Remember everything,” Alex had said. What had he reminded her? Oh, yes, Jesus paid the price. Crawling wouldn’t help—couldn’t add anything to what Jesus had already done. What’s more, now that she’d seen her own stupidity, who was she to pass judgment on anybody else—Jake, especially—for his failures?

Jake is alive. Hurt, but alive. Focus, Tina. Pray.

Thank you Lord that he’s alive! Please help him forgive me.

Not that she would ever forgive herself for the way she had turned away from him when with all her heart she had wanted to fly into his arms and never leave. She had hurt him, and for what? Because she couldn’t give in? Lose face?

During the last two restless nights her stubborn pride had proved itself a cruel and heartless companion.

She stepped around to the other side of his bed. His eyes were closed, tears on his lashes. She watched him grimace, obviously in pain, and move his lips as if praying. How could I have been so hard on him?

Please forgive me.

He didn’t seem aware of her presence. She remembered his damaged hearing and, pulling a chair near the bed, moved in close.

“Tina, Tina,” she heard him murmur.

“I’m here, Jake.”

His eyes popped open. “Is it really you?” With a raspy whisper he told her, “In my dream I smelled your perfume. Oh! It wasn’t a dream.” He looked around, his eyes wild. “I can’t hold you. I want to touch your face. I need you close to me.”

He had been dreaming about her. He needed her!

“Here I am,” she said soothingly as she might have spoken to a child frightened by a nightmare. Leaning in again she laid her face against his and spoke near his ear.

“I’m here, dear one. I don’t ever want to be away from you again.” She felt him relax and turn his head until their lips met.

After a time—actually, quite a long time—she drew back a little bit. She ran her fingers over his face, lingering her touch on his lips and again brushed his lips with hers. His warm breath on her face felt like a benediction. “Can you read my lips, beloved?”

“I can read your lips, Kitten. I can hear your heart when I read your lips.”

“I am so sorry, Jake. Can you ever forgive me for being so mean?”

“My memory isn’t so good since the explosion.”

“You forgive me?”

“Are you over being mad?”

“I sure am. I’m sorry about being mad, too.”

“You’re forgiven.” He lifted his head enough to kiss her eyelids. “Anything else you want to tell me?”

“Sure you’re ready?”

“I am ready.”

“I want to have a baby.”

He tried to sit up. “Now?”

She pushed him back down, careful of his shoulder. “I can wait until after the wedding.” She laughed at his bewilderment.

“Wedding?”

“Yes, wedding. Will you marry me, Jake? I want us to have a wedding, you and me, a big wedding—candles and flowers and music and… I want to walk down the aisle in a white satin dress and you’ll be waiting for me—you’ll be so handsome in a tux—just as soon as you’re well enough. Will you please marry me, Jake?”

“I’m feeling better already. Yes! I’m fine! Call the preacher.”

They both laughed and of course kissed again. It seemed to be going better than she had dared to hope.

“I’m ready, too, Jake. More than ready. The minute those bandages are off I want your arms around me. I can hardly wait until we can…be together.” She buried her head in his neck, her cheeks burning.

“It will be sooo good, my beautiful kitten,” he sighed with pleasure.

“But what happened? What’s with the change of heart? And what brought on the baby idea? I mean right now? This trucker comes factory equipped with two children, you know; we’re a package deal, have you forgotten?”

“No, no, of course I haven’t forgotten.”

Where to start. She took a deep breath.

“It’s a long story. Your brother reminded me that I’m a Christian, for one thing, and that as a Christian I can trust God with my future.”

“Al reminded you? My brother?” He sounded as astonished about that as she felt.

“Yes. I hope you don’t mind, but I love him.”

“Okay by me as long as it’s I’m the groom in this big wedding you’re planning.”

“It’s you all right.” He still wants me. He needs me. She kissed her fingertips and touched his lips. “I’m so sorry I wasted even two minutes away from you, my love. I guess I tried to protect myself from being hurt, but I can’t do that; no one can.”

“I promise to do my best to make a good life for us, Tina, but neither of us can guarantee how it will turn out. We’re both a bit damaged.”

“I know. But the Lord reminded me that He’s in the future—in our future. He’s the one holding me together now, and He will keep me safe in His care, always.”

She swallowed, fighting tears, and went on, pulling words up from deep inside, hoping, praying she could articulate all the changes she had gone through.

“I don’t have to be in control anymore.”

The moment she heard herself say it she felt released, as if an enormous weight dropped off.

“I love you!” Almost giddy with relief, she suddenly wanted to tell him everything, all she had left behind, all her dreams for their future and most of all, she wanted to dance for joy. She felt as if she could fly.

“I know now how much I love you and want you in my life, Jake. I’ve grown up a whole lot in the last two days, but I still have so much to learn and I want to learn it with you.” She laid her forehead against his until she could speak again.

Finally she pulled back and looked him directly in the eye, speaking clearly so he wouldn’t miss a word. “You can learn a thing or two from me, too, Mister, but I’ll have years to work on you.” She had to stop and kiss him on his nose for the funny way he was grinning at her.

“First of all, I need your promise, before God, that you will never ever ever again leave me out of the most important things in your life.”

“I do hereby so promise, so help me God,” Jake said solemnly, his eyes damp.

Tina acknowledged his promise with a nod.

“Now, here’s how I think it ought to be—if it’s all right with you, that is: First we’ll have that big wedding, and then we’ll raise your children together, with Alex’s help—“

Jake raised his eyebrows at that one.

“Alex, uh, Albert will explain. It’s a family thing,” she said with a wink. “I still want to have a baby, though, okay? We’ll have a great family—you, me, Alex, Annie, Joey, and our baby. What do you say?”

“That’s it? That’s your final offer?”

“Well, I suppose I could consider having more than one baby.”

“You drive a hard bargain, woman, but it’s a deal.” Jake said.

And, of course, because they couldn’t shake hands on it, they sealed it with a kiss.

The Call

She’d been hoping and praying for it, but when the phone finally rang, at 2:30 a.m., she nearly jumped out of her own skin.

“Yes! What?”

“Christina?” A hoarse voice, barely more than a whisper.

“Who is this?” Father! Help me!

“It’s Denny, Christina. I hate to call you like this, but Poppy said—“

“Jake! What’s happened to Jake? Talk to me!”

“There’s been an accident, Christina. It’s all my fault…all my fault…” His voice faded and she could barely hear him.

This is no time for me to be foolish. Lord. I trust You to give me what it takes for whatever happens.

She took a deep breath, inhaling by faith the strength of the Holy Spirit.

“Denny, you are in God’s hands and so is Jake. And God is good. All the time, even now. Whatever it is, Denny, God knows all about it.” She heard herself speaking and sweet peace swept over her.

“Please tell me.” She didn’t want to ask, but she had to know. “Is Jake…is he…did he…die?” She crumpled onto the bare floor, pressing the phone against her head so hard that her ear hurt. “Denny?”

“No, no, he’s not dead. But he’s hurt real bad. Burned!” He choked again.

How terrible this must be for him, Tina thought, given his memories of his wife’s tragic death.

“Where is he? Denny, listen to me: I’ll be there as soon as I can, and so will Alex. Where is he?”

“You’ll tell his brother? Poppy and Kate—they called all over trying to find us—I shoulda called them—“

“Denny, pull yourself together, do you hear me? We can talk later. Where is Jake?”

After she hung up the phone she stared at it for only a few seconds. No time to waste. She punched in Alex’s phone number.

It sounded as if he answered before it rang.

She filled him in quickly. His voice sounded amazingly calm.

“My Trooper is gassed and ready to go, so I’ll be leaving within ten minutes.”

“I’ve packed a few things and I’m ready to go, too. You want to caravan?”

“Why don’t we drive together?”

“Because I’ll have my dog with me and I don’t know how soon I’ll come back here.”

“That’ll work. Schotzie will love my little truck, and I don’t know when I’ll return, either. Leave your pretty new car in the garage. I’ll pick you up. I expect we have a few things to talk about.”

~~~~~

She didn’t want to complain, but she didn’t understand why Alex had to drive the whole way as if a patrol car were following them, especially during those dark hours before dawn when it seemed as if the world had ended and they were the only ones left on earth. Most of the way she didn’t think about it; they had so many more important matters to discuss.

“Gloria Stoner came to see me today,” Tina ventured softly. “That was quite a haircut!”

“You should have seen it when she came in! She said she was turning her back on all her pretentions and didn’t want to bother with all that ‘vanity’ any more!”

“She cut it herself?”

“Yes! Just hacked it all off to shorter than chin length. She had it in a zipped plastic bag and told me to donate it to ‘Locks of Love,’ a program to provide wigs for kids going through chemo.”

“You did a great job of shaping it. She looked ten years younger. Very chic.”

Tina paused and sat up a little straighter. “Gloria told me that you asked her to visit me.” She watched him for any reaction, but he continued to drive, eyes straight ahead. “Thank you.”

Finally, after seven almost non-stop hours, they had run out of issues to wrestle with and plans to coordinate, but they were both still too keyed up to sleep. After a gas and coffee stop they turned on the radio and happened to tune in at the beginning of a feature story:

Good morning. Our Ozark hero of the week, Jacob Garret, an over-the-road trucker based in Lincoln, Nebraska, would have qualified as villain of the week just six days ago. This morning he lies in Mercy Hospital in Harrison with serious burns he suffered in the explosion of a methamphetemine lab while rescuing two young children who had wandered from a nearby farmhouse. Four year old Chance Mudrow and his sister, five year old Lacey Mudrow, both listed in good condition, owe their lives to the trucker who happened on the abandoned lab just moments before it exploded, burning him and his companion.

A further mystery is how quickly Air-Evac arrived at the location. The dispatcher would only say that they had received an urgent call for a helicopter ambulance and that directions to the scene were ‘uncannily specific.’

Tina had laid her hand on Alex’s arm when the report began and left it there while the radio personality detailed Jake’s story from the original charge four years ago, including a quote from Faye Waters predicting that he would cleared of all charges and allowed to have overturned the custody ruling by the Lincoln, Nebraska, Department of Family Services.

“I have to see him with my own eyes,” Alex said.

“Me, too,” Tina said. “Now stop driving like such an old lady! I’ll pay the fine if we get picked up for speeding.”

Excuse me? She heard the still, small voice in her spirit.

“Never mind, Alex. Don’t exceed the limit. If we want the cloud of protection we had better not speed out from under it.”

Alex agreed. “Gloria once told me that the guardian angels jump off the fenders when you exceed the speed limit.”

next chapter

Friday Night

Schotzie, barking furiously, jumped off the sofa before Tina heard the knock on her door. A chill ran down her spine. Tight security and limited access were the main reasons she had chosen Fulton Towers after her divorce. Theoretically no one could find her apartment unless they called from the gate and she buzzed them in.

10:00 p.m. Who could it be?

The knocking continued. “Tina, it’s me. I have to talk to you.”

She wrapped her robe around herself and tied the belt while she walked barefoot to the door and peered through the tiny fisheye ‘spy’ window.

“It’s Alex, Schotzie. He’s harmless. Now hush.”

“Have you heard from Jake?” Alex asked before closing the door behind him.

“No. I didn’t expect to. Wasn’t he going up to the cabin to pick up his truck?”

“I think so, but he said he’d call. I’m absolutely certain he planned to call, but I haven’t heard a word. I’m worried, Tina. Can you call your grandparents?”

“I suppose I could, but they go to bed early. This is late for them. Are you sure he said he’d call you today?” Alex’s demeanor alarmed her.

“Yes! Something’s wrong. I feel it. Please call Poppy. Please!”

“All right. Grab a Coke out of the fridge, or maybe you want something to eat. I went to the store today so
there’s actually food…”

“I’ll take care of myself, Tina. Please make that call!”

Poppy picked up on the first ring. “Hello, hello, who is it?”

“Pops, it’s me, Christina. You sound funny. What’s going on?”

He had covered the mouthpiece, but Tina could hear him talking to Kate.

“Kate will talk to you now, honey,” he said, his voice thin. “Remember to trust God no matter what happens.”

“You’re right, Alex,” Tina said while she waited for her grandmother to pick up the phone. “Something is terribly wrong.”

After she hung up, the two of them sat staring at each other across the table. Tina spoke first.

“They’re worried sick. Kate says Denny drove down to Fort Smith yesterday for the express purpose of bringing Jake back up the mountain. They expected to see them by mid-afternoon today. They all left the hotel at the same time this morning, but Denny and Jake took a different route home, for some reason. Denny’s driving a big old Humvee—I don’t think you could roll it if you tried—I can’t imagine what could have happened.”

“Isn’t there anything we could do? Anybody we can call?”

Tina looked across the table at Jake’s brother. Same brown eyes. Same worried look. She bowed her head and studied her nails, freshly manicured earlier during this long soul-searching day. “We could pray,” she offered.

“I wish you would,” he said quietly. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out one of his salon appointment cards.

“Here’s my home phone number,” he said as he wrote the number on the back of the card. He stood up stiffly and started for the door.

“Call me the minute you hear anything—from Jake, I mean—no matter what time it is.”

“And you’ll do the same?”

He nodded and left.

next chapter

Alex and Tina

Tina hadn’t anticipated needing them, but now she inwardly thanked Alex that he had asked her to keep his Trooper keys in her purse.

If only she had driven her own car! If she had, she could have left directly after the hearing, be well on her way home by now, and probably wouldn’t have this terrible headache, either.

She didn’t want to take anything for the headache, though, because if she did, she might be able to think. She could not stand another minute of thinking. Not about Jake. Not about Jake and the life they could have had together if only…

She really had to forget him. Just seal all that, that…feeling, that emotion way down in a part of her heart so deep she’d forget it had ever been any other way. Twice now she had fallen in love, and both times with flawed men. No big surprise; they are all flawed. Every one.

Pray for him, he had said. Maybe tomorrow. Not today.

She felt more alone than ever, now that Poppy and Kate had taken Jake’s side. Who could she talk to? Not Alex, that’s for sure. Alex, although the older of the two men, looked up to his brother, she realized, but maybe now that Jake ‘got religion’ as Alex referred to it on his way here, his opinion might change.

Alex tapped on the window and pointed to the lock. She let him in and handed him the keys.

“The rest of them—your grandparents, David and Laura and the kids, Gloria and her husband—they’re all staying at the Ramada,” he said. “How about we grab a couple of rooms, too. Even if we drive like maniacs we won’t be home until midnight and I hate driving at night—“

“Is Jake staying there?”

“Yes. I’d have more time to talk to him, too.”

She made up her mind. “I’ll drive. I don’t mind driving at night. You can sleep if you want and you can call…your brother tomorrow.” She couldn’t bear to use his name.

“Tina…”

“Get out and go around to the passenger side.” She slid behind the wheel and tried to start the engine. Her hand shook and she couldn’t turn the key. “Don’t tell me this stupid car or truck or whatever it is isn’t automatic!”

“I’m supposed to trust my life to a woman who can’t drive a stick? Never mind.” He stepped out again and resumed his place in the driver’s seat.

The next words he spoke were when they were back on Interstate 40. She had been about to turn on the radio when he roughly pushed her hand away and took a deep breath. Then he let her have it.

“I know you’re a lot younger than I am, but I still can’t believe you’re being such a miserable, mean little brat about my brother,” he began. “And your attitude about his conversion is appalling!”

She stared at him, open-mouthed. He kept his eyes on the road, focused on driving.

“I wish I had a nickel for every time you and Gloria Stoner told me that forgiveness and restoration were cornerstones of the Christian faith. When I once had the temerity to ask a question about forgiving the unforgivable I believe you were the one who so sweetly—sickeningly, I thought at the time—explained that Jesus paid the price ‘while we were yet sinners.’ I have a very good memory, Ms. Hilbert, and I remember it well. I thought it was a load of rubbish when I first heard it in Sunday school, and I still thought so when you said it, but I do remember you saying it.”

For the first time Tina saw the resemblance between the Garret brothers. She heard no trace of the style of speech Alex usually affected in the salon. The man speaking was definitely Albert James Garret, older brother of Jacob Philip Garret and there was no question whose side he was on.

“Jake came into the diner absolutely devastated. When your grandmother tried to comfort him, he said you were right and he was stupid.”

Tina felt as if an arrow had hit her heart. She didn’t know if the stab of pain came from hearing about Jake’s distress or because Kate had comforted Jake, obviously taking his side, or because truth could still penetrate despite her best efforts to seal it all away from her.

Alex laughed dryly. “Kate said she didn’t raise you to call anybody stupid and she wants to have a talk with you.”

She turned her face to the window. Forgiveness. Jesus paid the price. Restoration. Jesus paid the price paid the price paid the price. Alex’s voice echoed over and over again in her mind. Forgive…Jesus paid. Alex’s voice, yet more familiar somehow.

The throbbing in her head had grown so fierce she wished someone would stick a needle in her skull to relieve the pressure. Just as she began to conjure up a glorious technicolor vision of a foot-long needle entering her skull causing a great hiss as steam escaped, followed by the release of the headache, Alex’s voice pounded on. Forgive, Jesus paid.

“He called that night but you weren’t home so he left a message,” he shot her a sharp look when she made a choking noise, and resumed, “Then when he wanted to try again Poppy told him not to, that he might be putting you in danger. He protected you because he cares so much about you, woman! Why is that so hard to understand?”

When she didn’t answer, he swore eloquently and at length. “I give up. If you’re so pig-headed he’s better off without you.”

They rode along in silence for three hours before stopping for gas and coffee. When they were back on the road and up to cruising speed Alex finally spoke again.

“You go ahead and rest for a while if you can. I’ll drive all the way home. I’m so wound up I couldn’t sleep now if I had to. Remember now, you don’t have to work tomorrow.”

“Thanks for changing my appointments for me.” She didn’t exactly feel grateful, but she knew he did it for what he thought were good reasons.

“You should also know that when you go back on Saturday I won’t be there.”

“Did you arrange to take the day off?”

“No. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking ever since we left Fort Smith. I don’t think I’ll go back to the salon at all, except to resign and call my clients with suggestions about other stylists who might suit them. I don’t want anyone but you taking care of Gloria Stoner.”

“What are you talking about? You’re everybody’s favorite! And I’ll miss you. I don’t want you to leave. What are you going to do? Are you going to another salon?”

“My brother needs me. From what his attorney told us, I don’t think he’ll spend another day in jail and he will have custody of Annie and Joey. They’re great kids, but I keep thinking about how mixed up they probably are by this time. I think I can help. I’m sure going to try. I love those kids, they like me, I think, and I’ll do whatever it takes. And, since he won’t have a wife,” he paused and she could feel him glowering at her in the dark, “I’m going to move to the ranch and keep house for the three of them.”

“You can’t be serious. Does Jake know?”

“No, he’s going to call tomorrow and I’ll talk to him about it then.” He glanced at her and then turned his attention back to the road. “If I believed in that stuff I’d have to say the idea popped into my head like divine inspiration. I just know it’s right.”

“I’m glad Jake doesn’t have to face this alone, Alex.” Tina laid her hand on his arm. “You’re a good big brother, and he’ll probably welcome your help.”

She remembered Austin bragging about being a big brother and how God wouldn’t let anything happen to him because he had to take care of his sisters.

“I wish I had a brother like you.”

She could feel him staring at her. “I can be your brother, Tina. You don’t have to be alone. I can help you with Jake’s children if you want me to.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
She’d taken Schotzie to Happy Tails to You Kennel where he had his own sofa and color TV. She knew he enjoyed himself there, but the apartment seemed dismal in his absence. Without changing into pajamas she flopped on her bed. 1:37. “What kind of a stupid hour of the night is that?” she asked the empty room, and watched the clock change to 1:38, the little blue dot in the upper right corner indicating “a.m.”

I can be your brother, Tina. She could hear him. You don’t have to be alone, Tina. She must surely have run dry of tears by now, but no, here they came again. You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to be alone.

“So why am I alone? I know why. Because I’m stupid, that’s why. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” At 1:49 she buried her face in her pillow and cried herself to sleep.

next chapter

The Encounter

“I need to talk to Jake’s attorney and probably the kid’s family, too,” Alex said. “Wait for me outside. I’ll buy dinner.”

Tina hesitated. She’d hoped they could leave before Jake came out of the courthouse. As if reading her mind, Alex pleaded, “You at least have to give him a chance to talk to you. I know you’ve been through a lot, but I also know you love him and he loves you. You can’t give up until you’ve talked to him.”

She lifted her hand in a gesture of grudging assent and turned to leave. There, waiting by the door, wearing matching smiles, stood Poppy and Kate. She hurried over to them and as soon as they were out in the marble hallway they embraced.

“Group hug,” Austin giggled and wormed his way into the midst of the three-way huddle. “I just came inside to go to the bathroom and there you were!”

“You’re still a rascal, aren’t you boy?” Poppy released the two women and picked up Austin, throwing him over his shoulder, head first, like a sack of oats. He carried the child as the three of them walked out into the warm sunshine.

“How do you do, Ma’am,” he said, extending his free hand to Gloria. “This grandson of yours is quite a boy, Mrs. Stoner. I’m Poppy VanderLeiden, and this is my wife, Kate. I understand you know our Christina.” He set Austin on his feet.

“I am delighted to meet you at last,” she said, shaking first Poppy’s hand and then Kate’s, “and please call me Gloria. Yes, Austin is a handful. Thank you for taking such good care of him.”

“This can be none other than Austin’s mama,” Kate said, as Laura stepped down from the minivan after nursing the baby, “and she has her hands full, too.” She held out her arms to the kicking and crowing Ariel. “Your children are beautiful, my dear. They look just like you.”

Laura smiled gratefully and finished buttoning her blouse before shaking hands with Poppy and Kate. “She is growing so fast I can hardly hang on to her when she sees someone who might play with her,” she said. “Thank you for taking care of our son. He did a very foolish and naughty thing, and he’s just lucky it turned out well.”

She turned her head as Gloria ‘ahemmed’ loudly. “Oh, I know, Mom. Not lucky, blessed. We prayed for him, and then we found out he was safely at your house,” she explained to Poppy and Kate. “I guess you could say you were an answer to our prayers.”

Tina stood watching, wondering at all the goodwill flying around like gnats at a picnic.

“I believe I need a cup of tea and maybe a little something sweet.” Kate said. “Shall we all go?” Without waiting for an answer, she said “Christina, why don’t you wait for the men and then you all can join us at Debbie’s Diner down the street, just off the square.”

Austin and Allison chimed in, demanding ice cream.

“Ice cream sounds good to me, too, especially if they have hot fudge sauce to pour over it.” Kate said. She handed the baby to Laura and, grabbing a child in each hand, started walking toward the restaurant. Poppy and Gloria followed.

“You go on ahead,” Laura called after them. “Save a place for me.” She smiled at Tina. “Let’s sit on this park bench and have us a little confab, okay?”

She couldn’t think of a good way out of it, so she sat down. As Laura moved to sit next to her, Ariel opened chubby pink baby arms. Tina couldn’t resist reaching out to take her.

While Laura talked, Ariel lifted her hand to Tina’s hair, apparently fascinated with the way it slipped through her fingers.

“You’re a little flirt, yes you are, ha-BOO, ha-BOO!” She shook her hair and Ariel threw herself back in a chortle Tina could feel bubbling up from the little girl’s tummy.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Laura started to say, but went back to what she had been talking about when she saw Tina making kissing sounds at the baby.

“You’re a natural, Tina,” Laura said, and went on, blithely unaware of the hollow ache in the pit of Tina’s stomach. “I want to talk to you about Tuesday night.”

She continued to play with the baby. “What about it?”

“Please forgive me?”

“For what? I would have been a whole lot meaner than you were if I had a little boy like Austin and some hairdresser chick showed up with him.”

“There were so many things I didn’t understand Tuesday night.”

“Forget about Tuesday night. What about today? What’s the matter with you people? Austin’s family, the very people who have been put through hell, offer to make bail for the guy who ran off with their son? What’s up with that?”

Laura nodded and smiled, leaning close to wipe the baby’s chin. “What is that perfume you’re wearing? Austin has been pestering me to wear perfume like yours.”

“I wear Red Door by Elizabeth Arden. It’s the only thing that works for me. Everything else smells like diesel fuel on me after a couple of hours.” She answered distractedly. She felt vaguely guilty that Austin talked about her to his mother.

“Austin is funny. Don’t mind him, Laura. He has a big crush on me—it’s what boys that age do—but there’s no one on earth like his mama. Nobody, believe me.” She heard herself rattling on, as she tended to do when she felt nervous. She hated it when she rattled on.

“I know. My mother told me the same thing. Say, how do you know so much about kids? Look at you here with Ariel. And Austin thinks you’re the perfect woman. You don’t have children of your own, right?”

“No.” Tina wanted to cooperate with Laura’s attempt at friendliness, she really did, but all this talk about children made her jumpy.

“You and Jake are in love, right? Well, you’re young enough so you can still have as many children as you want. I guess you’ll be raising his two from his first marriage, too. You’ll have a house full before the wedding!”

“How do you know about Jake’s kids? Or me, for that matter. And what wedding? I’m not marrying him; let’s be clear bout that!”

“Are you sure? Poppy and Kate—what fabulous people!—called us last night—that’s how we knew we needed to be here this afternoon—and explained all about why Jake freaked out when Austin—I should absolutely beat the child for what he did—when he found Austin in his truck.”

“Poppy and Kate called and spent time explaining? Now I know you’re out of your mind. Poppy’s so paranoid about the phone I have a hard time believing he called, period, never mind telling you ‘all about Jake.’ So what’s the deal here? How do you go from being ready to string me up to auditioning for the job of being my wedding planner?”

Laura smiled, dimpling prettily.

“I just know you and I could be great friends,” Laura said, “You have almost as much patience for listening to horse hockey as I do, and how are you at being catty? Shall we sit here awhile and make fun of badly dressed people?”

“So this friendly bit. It’s all…horse hockey, is that what you call it?”

“No, but I can see why you’d think so. Tuesday night? I wanted to scratch your face, spit in your hair and pour skunk oil all over you to see if Austin still thought you were a heavenly-smelling goddess.”

“That seems fairly extreme. What changed?”

“David first. He totally met God at that prayer meeting, Tina. It was amazing! And now I have a whole new husband. Well, I loved him the old way too, of course. And he loved me, but we’d drifted into being this plain old couple with kids, which can be okay, I suppose, but we were just going through the motions.”

Tina could imagine worse things than ‘being this plain old couple with kids.’

Laura went on, “Mother says that he’ll still be David and we’ll still have struggles, but he’s trying so hard to be a good husband and dad! I’ll give you an example: Like Tuesday night? He didn’t dishonor me in front of everybody or anything, but when we were back to my parents’ house he sat me on the bed and talked to me in a way he never has before. He said I’m beautiful, but my attitude was making me ugly.”

“He talked to you and now you’re fine with everything? Forgive me, but isn’t that a little simple? David found God, talked to you, and now you’re ready to be bosom buddies with the woman you wanted to pour—what, skunk oil? Skunk oil? Where were you going to get skunk oil?”

She looked at Laura whose eyes sparkled back at her and she couldn’t help it. She laughed.

They both laughed.

And the baby couldn’t contain herself. She giggled until she had to rest her head on Tina’s chest.

Laura was the first to regain her composure. “You know very well there was more than talk. We prayed together and I prayed about getting closer to God myself. You’re a Christian too, so you know I had to repent of my stinkin’ thinkin’ where you and Jake are concerned. But enough about David and me. Let’s talk about you and Jake.”

“There is no me and Jake.” At Laura’s look she confessed, “Sure, I love him. I’m crazy about him. He’s sweet and funny, and—“

“And absolutely adorable! I may be married but I’m not blind. Whooh!” She fanned her face with her hand.

“Yes, that too. But think about it. He ran away! Instead of talking to me about it, he dumped me. Laura! Listen to me: He left a wretched message on my answering machine and dumped me.”

Ariel looked up, her eyes big and solemn. Tina lowered her voice and patted the child reassuringly.

“He didn’t trust me enough to talk to me. We could have worked through this together.” She felt like crying but set her jaw and refused. She had to stay mad or she wouldn’t make it. “He didn’t respect me enough or need me enough to tell me what was really going on. I married one man who didn’t share his life with me or respect me. He excluded me from what was important to him! I don’t need to do that again! I will not do that again.” She heard the rage in her voice. “Jake has proved that’s what he’d do, too. Any woman who thinks she’ll change a man after marriage is a fool, and I won’t be a fool again now.”

“Left a phone message, huh? That was pretty lame.” Laura twirled her finger through her hair. “Poppy told us about Richard, too.”

“Poppy sure turned into a blabbermouth all of a sudden!” She bit her lip to keep from crying.

“Yeah, but I’m glad he did. Everything makes a sense when you think about it. I must say that Richard guy must have been some special kind of stupid to cheat on you, but he wasn’t a Believer, was he? And neither was Jake when he did all those dumb things you talk about. He’ll be different from now on.”

“Please! He received Jesus as his personal Savior; he didn’t have magic dust sprinkled on him. And now he’s going to be perfect?”

Tina suddenly remembered something Laura said earlier in the conversation “Wait. Didn’t your mother tell you that David will still be David and you’ll still have struggles?”

“Yes, but he’s already become much more in charge. He’s more…fatherly and a better husband. And my attitude change will help a lot, too. What about you? You’re a Christian, right? Shouldn’t you be willing to give Jake another chance? From what I hear, his first wife treated him like dirt. How would he know he could count on you to be more supportive?”

“What makes you think he even wants me anymore?”

“Now you’re being ridiculous. Even Austin, who would prefer to keep you for himself, tells everybody that Jake is crazy about you. Austin says Jake told him that you’re a “babe.”

“How much is Jake paying you to argue his case?”

“I’m not arguing his case. I’m arguing your case. You love him, and he loves you, and I think you’d be crazy to miss out on a wonderful guy because you’re hurt and ticked off.”

“I’m not—“

“Of course you are, and I don’t blame you. Tell me this: have you prayed about this? Because if God wants the two of you together—and He might, you know; Jake is going to have to raise his own kids, too—Poppy told us about how Jake’s ex is on drugs and going to jail and all—then God will give you all the help you need to make it work.”

She brought her hand to her mouth, shocked. “I’m sounding just like my mother. Horrors! But it’s the truth anyway.”

“What? I want to get back to your theory about God wanting us together, but first tell me about Jake’s ex and how in the world Poppy knows all this?”

“Jake’s attorney, working with some guy—I can’t remember his name but Austin calls him a giant—found out about it. You’ll hear the whole story when they’re finished inside.” She checked her watch. “Listen, I have to go over to the diner and help Mom with Austin and Allison. Will you keep Ariel? You can bring her over when the men come out.” Without waiting for an answer, she left.

Tina looked down at the child in her arms and thought that if she ever had a baby of her own she wouldn’t let anyone touch her, much less walk away while a relative stranger held her.

And yet she understood. In a sudden, gracious glow she sensed the presence of the Lord. Understanding washed over her: This was Laura’s way of demonstrating the mystery of fellowship, of being family. Because they both, she and Laura, were members of the Body of Christ, they were sisters, not strangers, and Laura authenticated God’s powerful love by trusting Tina with her baby.

The child in her arms also prevented her from leaving before talking to Jake. At that moment Tina loved Laura’s baby intensely.

Ariel looked up at her, smiled, and reaching up to pat Tina’s lips, softly cooed and bounced gently. She knew instinctively what the baby wanted.

“Jesus loves me, this I know,” Tina crooned, looking into trusting eyes as blue and deep as a pure mountain pool.

When she bent her head just right, she could feel the baby’s breath on her face. She stood, rocking back and forth as she sang. Slowly, reluctantly, feathery golden lashes fluttered and finally closed while Tina’s song went on.

~~~~~~~

Across the square, Denny stepped down from the Humvee. His breath caught in his throat as he observed Tina with the child, swaying back and forth in the dappled sunlight. Without taking his eyes off them he reached back into the truck and fished around under a tarp to retrieve a point-and-shoot camera that he thanked his lucky stars was still back there. He held it up to his eye and clicked until the auto-rewind told him he was out of film. He replaced it in its hiding spot, hitched up his jeans as well as he could and disappeared inside the courthouse.

~~~~~~~

Jake spotted the little tableau when he and Denny emerged five minutes later, followed by Alex, Will and David. His heart felt as if it might explode. “What I wouldn’t give for a picture of that,” he breathed.

“Tell you what. Buy me some supper and I’ll see what can be arranged,” Denny said, following his remark with his unique chuff-chuckle.

Will and David exchanged raised-eyebrow looks.

“I could stand a hamburger or something myself,” David said. “Where’s the rest of our bunch?”

Tina turned and saw them. “Everybody went to Debbie’s Diner,’ she said, nodding toward the side street. “They are waiting for you there.”

“Page, you better take your kid,” Denny said. “Jake and Tina have serious talking to do.”

~~~~~~~

Tina crossed her empty arms over herself, chilled because of the absence of the baby’s sweet warmth. She lifted her chin and looked Jake straight in the eye, fighting to hold down the great lump of pain and anger ballooning inside her. She opened her mouth to speak, but her voice failed her. Before she could try again, Jake held his arms out and despite her resolve, she permitted herself to be swallowed up in his strength.

How can I do this, she wondered. How can I push him away when I need him to comfort me in my loss of him?

His arms felt so strong and safe. All her senses reached out to embrace him. She remembered the taste of his kiss and the way he liked to hold her face between his hands when he kissed her. She lost herself in the scent of him, the sound of his heart beating, and his voice saying her name over and over again—“Tina, oh, Tina, Tina, Tina.”

When he had walked up just now, his eyes, his incredibly warm brown eyes were brimming with tears. She wanted to comfort him. She wanted him to comfort her.

The message on the answering machine. Long, lonely days of being excluded from his life. A future of wondering where he was and who he was with.

She inhaled sharply and pulled away.

“How could you? How could you just dump me with nothing but a stupid little message?” She picked up her fists, ready to beat on his chest, but he grabbed her wrists.

“I was wrong to do it that way. I’m sorry, Kitten. You’re right. The message was stupid. I was stupid. How can I make it up to you?”

“I could forgive the stupid message. That’s not even what makes me the maddest. You didn’t trust me, Jake! You ran away. You left me out and you ran away.” She pulled her wrists away and fished in her pocket for a tissue.

“You are right. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that.” He stood quietly. “Oh, Tina. Is there any chance for us? Please…”

“I don’t see how. How can I commit my life to a man who runs for the hills when something goes wrong?” She knew she was right.

“Something has changed, you know. I’ve changed. I’ll never be the same. May I tell you why?”

“You ‘got Jesus in your heart.’ Austin told me. That’s not magic, you know. I’ve had Jesus in my heart for over a year and I still sin sometimes.”

“You sin? That’s hard for me to believe.” Jake smiled, then grew serious again. “What I did was indefensible. I make no excuses. I simply ask you to forgive me.” He held her face between his hands but she shook her head violently and broke free.

“Whether it is because I am a Christian now, or because I finally grew up, I am a better man now today than I was a week ago.”

When she didn’t respond, he continued, in the manner of one remembering; of understanding dawning and confusion dissipating like morning mist.

“Barbara has been messed up for a long time, more than I ever realized, but it wasn’t all her fault. I should have been more involved in their lives; maybe I could have helped Barb. I think she’s sick, maybe. For sure I should have seen that she couldn’t take care of the kids.” He shook his head to clear it.

“I love you, Tina. I want you to marry me because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to be together.”

She couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t look in his face or she might weaken. For so long she’d prayed for him to become a Believer. She hadn’t even realized how she’d longed to hear those words, “I love you; I want you to marry me.”

But he couldn’t just show up all contrite and sweet and have the last few days go away. She wished he would stop talking and leave. But he didn’t. He just kept talking in that husky voice of his.

She loved his voice.

“Even if I hadn’t messed up,” he went on, “and you said ‘yes,’ you’d be letting yourself in for heavy-duty struggles. Not only would you be marrying a screwed up truck driver who tucked his tail between his legs when the going got tough, but you’d be marrying a guy trying to raise two kids who have had their lives jerked around for two years. More than two years.”

He stood with his hands in his pockets and it seemed to Tina that he was still thinking aloud, that he was working it all out as he talked to her. She had to admit he had changed somehow. He sounded peaceful, confident. The change looked good on him.

“It won’t be easy, I know that. I’ll need more guts and good sense than I’ve shown so far,” he went on, his voice growing more resolute.

“I can do this. With God’s help, I mean. I’ve only prayed for four days so far, but I’m determined that prayer is a way of life for me from now on. I have to learn how to really tap in to God’s wisdom or I’m not going to make it.”

“But I needed you, Jake. I needed you. When I heard that message, I hurt so much I wanted you to hold me, to comfort me. To hear you say I should forget you…”

She pressed her fist into her chest where she still felt his rejection like a knife to her heart. “You didn’t even trust me enough to tell me what was going on, or need me to help you. I can’t forget that message and how much it hurt when I heard it. You left me out of your life at a critical time. We should have gone through this together.”

He turned toward her again. “Remember the message, Tina. I don’t want you to forget it. What did it say?”

“You dumped me.”

“That’s not entirely accurate. I did tell you to forget me, but you didn’t, did you? Because we belong together and you know it. You wouldn’t be so angry if you’d forgotten how good we are together. I know I said I was no good for you, but I don’t believe that was ever true.” He shoved his fingers through his hair in frustration.

“I know I’m different now,” he said after taking a deep breath. “Do you remember that I told you I had never loved anyone the way I love you? That was the absolute truth. Still is. I love you: Christina VanderLeiden Hilbert.” He paused. “Christina VanderLeiden Hilbert. I want to change your name. I want to see you singing and rocking babies. Our babies, yours and mine.” His voice broke.

“I do need you. I need your help, and not only with the kids, although I can’t bear to think of doing it without you. I need you!”

Oh, it was tempting. She could see them praying together in their own kitchen—she wanted a big heavy old table—one baby in the highchair and another growing under her heart, Joey and Annie sitting there with them, knowing they were safe and loved…

No! I can’t do it! Life never turns out the way you dream it should and people don’t stay. They don’t really change, either. If I love them too much they die or run away and I’ll be alone again.

“If I hadn’t changed, if I still ran away from a tough situation,” he said as if he read her thoughts, “would I be standing here begging you to forgive me?”

Won’t he ever quit talking talking talking?

“But I do see where you’re coming from,” he said finally, when she didn’t answer him, tears in his voice. “I’m asking you to pray about it, to ask God to give you forgiveness for me. And I’ll be praying for you, too.” He sighed. “I ache for you, Tina. I want to be part of what God does in your life to make up for all the hurt you’ve gone through, but with or without me, I pray that God will heal your broken heart.”

She sobbed, and found the tissue inadequate. Jake reached into his pocket, pulled out a white handkerchief and like an old hand at being a dad, wiped her nose and jammed the handkerchief back in his pocket.

He tried to tip her chin up but she couldn’t trust herself to meet his eyes.

He stepped back, hands at his side, and said in an even tone—she heard a last-word kind of voice, “There is one more thing I must make clear. As much as I love you and need you, I cannot do what I intend to do and should have been doing all along—taking care of Joey and Annie the way they deserve—if I have to spend all my energy pleading with you to get on board. We’d need to be a team. Partners. We need to be two operating as one, with God’s help. I know that now.”

“No more begging, Tina,” he said, standing taller. “If you are going to stay mad, it won’t work at all. The kids would sense it, I’d resent it, and we’d all end up hating each other.”

This is what it must feel like to be told to stand in the corner, she thought. Cornered. She couldn’t think. For sure she couldn’t give in. Not after all she’d been through.

It might be too late anyhow.

“You’ve made yourself quite clear.” She lifted her chin but couldn’t make herself meet his eyes. “I understand,” she said, hating how little and mean her quavery voice sounded. Finally she waved him toward the diner. “Go. Find the others. Tell Alex I’ll wait for him in the car.”

She began walking away, every step taking her farther away from him, moving her closer to the loneliness she feared most.

Jake did not follow.

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