BENCH WARMERS

 

(Overheard from the other side of the fence)Bench and Flowers-story

 

 

What pretty flowers!  Are those roses?

 Of course they are roses! What else would they be?

Well, don’t have a cow! I can’t see them that well from here.

 You can’t see them because you’re half blind and you refuse to get new glasses.

 Oh, I can see fine, it’s just that there are so many weeds…

 Are you saying I have let the garden go?  I don’t hear you volunteering.

 Can’t you hire somebody to at least do the weeding?

And where would I find someone to do that?

What about Marcia’s boy, Tony his name is, I think…

You’re thinking of Rose’s son, Benny. I had him here but he didn’t know gladiolas from goldenrod. I had to stand over him and show him every weed to pull. Then he wanted five dollars an hour! He was so slow it would have cost twenty dollars to finish the job.  I gave him five dollars and sent him home.

 Do they still live over behind the bank?

 How should I know where they live?  I just called Marcia on the phone; I didn’t go to their house.

 I thought you said you called Rose about Benny.  And what do you mean, you don’t know where they live?  This town isn’t so big.  Are you getting that forgetful?

 Me, forgetful!  You’re the one that left the milk out overnight.

 I did not!  That was you.  Don’t you remember, you had raisin bran because you said you were so stoved up…

 I didn’t come out here to talk about bowels.  No wonder I was having problems—this tea is way too sweet.

 You made the tea, don’t you even remember that?

 You didn’t tell me you wanted unsweet tea.  When did you start drinking unsweet?

 You shouldn’t be having so much sugar, either, with your diabetes and all.

 I don’t have diabetes.  Where did you get that idea? You’re the one who is so sickly.

 I have a delicate constitution, that’s all.  I take after Mother.

 Delicate constitution! She was way overweight!

 What a terrible thing to say!  Mother was a wonderful woman!

 Of course she was; I loved her, but she ate too much.

 She had a thyroid condition and retained water real bad. I can’t believe you are so mean.

 It’s no wonder you can’t lose weight.  You’re in denial! You’re not retaining water, You’re retaining biscuits and gravy!

 Not your biscuits and gravy, that’s for sure! 

 And what’s wrong with my biscuits and gravy, may I ask?

Your biscuits come out of a can and the gravy tastes like wallpaper paste.

 I thought you liked wallpaper paste! Remember when Grandma came over to help paper the upstairs bedroom? You kept sticking your fat little hand in that bucket of paste and ate a whole bunch before I stopped you.  You were pretty sickly after that!

 Some of the chemicals in that goop were poisonous. If you hadn’t tattled on me to Mother I could have died. I was sure mad at you, then, but you saved my life.

 I’m so thankful we have each other.  I don’t know what I’d do without you, Sister.

You won’t have to find out. We were together in Mother’s womb, we have been together these 75 years, and we’ll be together forever, I promise!

 We both love Jesus so we’ll be together in Heaven,too. 

 I’d better go to my room and lie down. You are so good to me, giving me a room in your house and all.

 I wouldn’t have had to if you had been wiser with your money.

 This was so nice. Let’s come out here for tea whenever the weather is pleasant.  You should paint this bench, though. I think I got a splinter in my leg.

 That’s not your leg, as you well know, and if you think I’m going to check your backside for splinters…

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